Forming the Approach Habit

Forming the Approach Habit


- Keychain


‘We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.’ Aristotle

Most of us are awake and moving about the world during the day far more than at night. We shop, we work, we eat and we travel. For those of us who live in or near a populated area like a city, there are lots of opportunities to meet beautiful women in the daytime.

When I first arrived at university, I would go out at night with my friends to meet girls. Perhaps three or four times a week we would hit the club and spend hours approaching groups of women and hitting on them. Later, after finding the community and armed with new knowledge, I would increase this practice and often go alone to bars and clubs to meet new people and exercise my social muscle. I felt nervous at first but after a couple of approaches in an evening this feeling would fade. After that, it was as if my motor was running, I’d have a sense of flow, excitement and social lubrication. After those initial nervous conversations, I felt acclimatised to approaching strangers and could work on other aspects of my game beyond the opening.

Inevitably, the night would end, with all its various ups and downs. I’d go to sleep, wake up in the morning. Lo and behold, the next time I went out to the bar, that fear of approach was once again back to bother me.

Going out for a big session of ‘sarging’, as the community slang refers to it, is great for practicing core aspects of your game but something we are not practicing as intensely is overcoming that initial reluctance to approach, often referred to as ‘approach anxiety’. This is simply because after a couple of interactions, this feeling fades. After that initial warm-up period, we usually find the social motor is running, we’re having fun and opening without too much worry. It doesn’t last. Every time we go out, this feeling tends to crop up to be overcome once again.

It is generally accepted that this is just the way it must be. The oft-prescribed solution is to ‘burn’ through some warm-up sets to get in the right mood. But what if it was possible to greatly minimise that feeling of nervousness over time so that you could generate the momentum to approach at any time to wish without the need to ‘warm up’? What if there was a way to form a habit of approaching beautiful girls?

Picture the scene, you’re shopping for groceries, on public transport or walking down the street and you see a beautiful girl. You don’t have the advantage of the mental run-up from making a conscious decision to ‘go sarging’, you have no wingmen to spur you on, you can’t just burn through two or three sets to get on a roll and then approach the girl. You’re just going about your daily life and ‘bam!’, a hot girl appears! Do you approach? Can you approach?

Forming the Approach Habit.

‘Approach the first hot girl you see every day. It will change your life.’ – Sasha


Begin an interaction with a stranger, preferably a beautiful woman, everyday. This begins to form an approach habit – the daily habit of initiating conversation with someone from cold. Over time, this habit can become so ingrained that it will actually feel strange not to approach a hot girl. The energy that you previously experienced as fear and panic will morph into excitement, playfulness and enjoyment.

This will not only help you greatly minimise approach anxiety, but the daily routine will have you meeting more girls than ever before.


Training Your Eye
Forming the approach habit will also go a long way towards training your eye to become aware of the opportunities already present in your surroundings. If you know you need to approach at least one girl in your lunch break for instance, you get good at noticing the attractive girls all around you.

It is not unusual, a week or so into this, for students to say things along the lines of, ‘I never realised there were so many hot girls around here!’ Sometimes we can work and live in an area for years without realising the opportunities all around us.


Don’t Run the Perfect Set
Don’t worry about running the perfect set in every one of these interactions. At first, don’t even worry about continuing the conversation. If you are short on time, just make your daily interaction a quick one. Remember, we are forming the approach habit. For this purpose, it is more important at first to approach than to close. Don’t let the pressure of ‘what do I say next’ and ‘what if…’ questions dissuade you from taking action.

When you spot that girl, and you get that feeling of ‘I should/could/can/want to approach her’ – go talk to her. If it lasts ten seconds or ten minutes, it doesn’t matter – just approach. Form the approach habit.


Avoid Burnout
‘Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.’ Mark Twain

It’s much like joining a gym. In the first flush of enthusiasm and novelty, the temptation is to go very frequently and stay for hours, working really hard. But continue down this road and it is very likely you’ll experience burn out. You lose your motivation and weeks go by before you darken the gym door again (if at all!). It is much more sensible (and healthy) to do shorter workouts and ration that drive for the long haul health benefits of regular exercise.

Consider this point when embarking on your mission to form the approach habit. One a day for a month is far better than ten in two days, burning out and flaking for the rest of the month.


Find Your Window
Look at your lifestyle, find the window of time where you can make your daily approach and stick to it. For me, I had a long commute, so I would use the train journey and approach at least one girl on the way into London and one on the way out of London. For you’re your lunch break might be and ideal time. Whatever it is, find your window.


Scale It Up
It can feel more challenging to approach during the day without a wing to encourage you.

If you’re alone and feeling nervous, just take off some pressure. Scale the opener you use – if you’re petrified, you don’t have to start direct and ballsy, start more situational and low-key. For example, a functional opener such as, ‘Hey excuse me, do you know if there’s a Starbucks around here?’ is much easier to muster the courage to deliver than ‘I saw you from across the street and I just had to come say hi…because I think you’re gorgeous!’ If you gradually scale up your material, just as you would add weight to your bench press routine, you will be able to deliver the latter opener with ease and enthusiasm.


Fashion
If you’re going to form this habit, be ready. Always leave the house dressed well, whatever that means for your lifestyle. Throw out your bad clothes so you won’t be tempted to wear them – don’t let the fact that you’re dressed badly be an excuse to not approach. Dressing well has a positive impact on your interactions with everyone in your life.


Wing/Mentor
Your daily approaches should be done solo for maximum growth, but it can help to have a wing or accountability buddy who will check in with you every day to make sure you’ve done your approach. This added motivation can give you the kickstart you need to start forming the habit.


Conclusion
Does this mean no more sarging? No!

‘Sarging’ is great for getting your game tight – perhaps your attraction phase needs tweaking or your comfort game lacks connection. Go out, hit the clubs and bars, do a ton of sets. The trick is to combine this with daily approaching to build and sustain the approach habit and you’ll go a long way towards achieving your relationship goals.

I often think of the ability to approach as a muscle. For every approach you make, you grow that muscle. For every approach you back out of, you weaken it.

Make those approaches, build your courage. The results may very well astound you.

Good luck!

Keys

On High Value First Impressions

Hey guys,

Here's an article that LSi readers may well recognise. It appeared in its own edition, sent out just before the Winter 2008 SuperConference. It covers some of my experiences learning Social Circle Mastery (guys, take this seminar!) from Mr.M during Project Rockstar...as well as some really awesome practical tips. Here it is shared here for your enjoyment

Keys

On High Value First Impressions


- Keychain


'Drop everything. Come learn from the best and BE the best.'

When I got the call from Mr. M announcing that I was 'in' and destined to become a member of Project Rockstar... I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe that I was chosen. I was excited about all of the amazing things we were going to learn, all the amazing instructors we would meet, and all the beautiful women we'd be trained to attract! And so I dropped everything, disappeared off the radar for two months and took my first step into a new world...

During gruelling theory sessions, lasting up to eight hours in length, Mr. M schooled us in the closely guarded principles of Social Circle Mastery, a system that teaches men how to build a large, high-value social circle filled with beautiful women. It's about complete social mastery - social dynamics as applied to both men and women... and how to ascend to the very top of the social ladder. At the highest levels, it's like having Jedi powers.

Mr. M spoke a lot about how powerful social dynamics were when applied to situations outside of seduction. He stated that once you have mastered the realm of seducing hot women, you begin to realize that what you have learned has far greater and more important implications for success in the rest of your life.

For example, one of the key lessons of Social Circle Mastery is the power of the 'first impression' and more importantly, how to properly deliver one when trying to build rapport with a high value individual (this could be a celebrity, a millionaire, or generally a person with high social status in any given situation). When two high value individuals first meet, there typically is a subtle exchange of verbal and non-verbal cues that allow each party to recognise the other's social status. Malcolm Gladwell calls this 'thin slicing' in the award winning book 'Blink,' which Mr. M recommended to us. These go unnoticed by the vast majority of people, but to those with a high degree of social intelligence, 'the 10s of life,' these cues are as clear as day.
So how do you meet a high value person and develop the kind of mutual respect that is the foundation for a healthy long term friendship?

In this article I'll share some insights into this very topic, as taught to us in those closed-door sessions by Mr. M (note that the technology was devised by both Mr. M and Braddock - Braddock is the other half of the mad genius pair that came up with Social Circle Mastery).

Establish Respect

The first thing to do in an interaction is to establish a solid platform of mutual respect. In this phase, it is crucial to avoid a negative 'thin slice.'

Upon making first impressions, there are usually two big mistakes that people make.
1. Trying to demonstrate higher value immediately - or 'trying too hard.'


Don't show all of your value up front. If you immediately start trying to impress the other person by talking about all the cool things in your life, you're playing a risky game. It is this kind of rapport seeking, try-hard behavior that distinguishes the 'not quite there' crowd to the top 10%. Consider this. The up-and-coming bank investor can't wait to tell you about all the money he is responsible for and all the money he makes. But the owner of the bank, if he mentions what he does for a living at all, is just 'in finance' when asked what he does. He doesn't feel the need to parade his goods for all to see.

2. Don't defer to the other person's value.

Most people make too much of a big deal out of recognising the 'main value proposition' of the other person. The main value proposition is exactly that - the single most valuable aspect about the person. So, for example, for Justin Timberlake, it would be his music or fame. For a millionaire, it would be his business.

The key, as taught to us by Mr. M, is to recognise their 'major value proposition' on a 'throw and go' basis. So for example, to a music celebrity, simply saying, 'Hey man, I like your music' is sufficient. People typically meet celebrities and 'emotionally overreach' (a topic covered in Mr. M and Braddock's new Inner Game Seminar). For example, they get hugely emotional and gush about how much they love that actor's movies, or how they listen to this music star's album every day. This tactic may well get a smile, a handshake or even a couple of seconds of appreciative dialogue with that person, but it is very unlikely to result in mutual respect or much, if any, desire for further contact. The key to building MUTUAL respect is then to qualify and relate to that person on topics outside of their main value proposition... and to find ways in which you can add value.

To round off, let me share a fantastic quick tip that you can put to work immediately. If a person is of significantly higher value than you, while it is crucially important to respect them, it is also important to neutralize their value by not putting too much emphasis on it. In fact, according to Mr. M and Braddock, you can take the concept of neutralizing another person's value a step further. The concept of neutralizing a person's value is similar in some ways to teasing a woman you just met. When you approach a beautiful woman in a coffee shop or in a bar, you shouldn't focus your conversation on her physical beauty. [If you are doing this, stop reading now, go to the Magic Bullets page, and download the free chapters. You need to be familiar with it so you can access the advanced stuff we're all moving into.] To do so would focus on her value so much that she'd feel like you put her on a pedestal and that you were not of equal or higher value (unless you were using a properly executed direct approach).

With high value people - men or women - focus away from the main source of value. This will help you build rapport. If you subtly encourage people to qualify themselves to you on other topics, you tacitly increase your own value in their eyes. This is because people generally don't encourage others to qualify themselves... unless you are a high-value person yourself! By getting a person to qualify to you, even subtly, it equalizes value on a certain level.

The application of advanced qualification to social situations as expounded in Social Circle Mastery is obviously far more complex than what I have covered above - this is just one basic implication. And to sum up, here's the big take-away point to remember:

The next time you meet a high-value individual, whether it's in the club or in the boardroom, focus on making an effective first impression with these elements. To internalize these behaviors takes practice and a degree of inner game confidence but it's worth it. To be able to communicate on the same level with that top 10% and develop a relationship with them to build your amazing social circle is a skill that trickles down to every area of your life -not just to meeting and attracting beautiful women (although it applies very much to this as well)!

Enjoy,

Keys